Everyone is just oh so serious with their predictions for the future, I thought I would have a little fun. After all, I am rarely right correct when it comes to predictions, and don’t mind admitting it. Of course, looking back over my work last year I do think I predicted around December 17 or so that John McCain would win it all. I was almost correct. I think I also predicted Sarah Palin’s VP choice, so I was right about that one. So, here goes for 2009.
1. Barack Obama’s birth certificate is produced, proving he was born somewhere. It also proves his conception was immaculate, thus cementing his role as messiah-elect and thereby causing all manner of spiritual crises for atheists.
2. Oprah arrested for stalking The One (elect) and making threats against Michelle.
3. Blago appointed US AG.
4. Illinois Senator Roland Burris demands reparations for slavery. His demands cause a terminal split of the Democratic Party when it is finally realized that The One (elect) is descended from a bunch of nasty old white guys who owned slaves. The One (elect) is immediately disowned by Oprah, from her maximum security prison cell as she once again threatens Michelle.
5. Oprah forgives The One (elect).
6. Tony Rezko is named Secretary of HUD.
7. Al Franken, aglow after his 3 vote victory over Norm Coleman is arrested by the IRS for tax evasion. Declaring his innocence, he refuses to resign from his senate seat. His position is upheld by AG Blago, and Harry Reid, who is also under indictment.
8. VP Joe Biden, completely ignored by the media and The One (elect) is discovered, mummified, locked in one of the bathrooms in his VP’s offices in the basement of Macys’ Tysons Corner. Sorry, this is for 2011. Biden disappears in 2009.
1. All forms of American Football are declared illegal. It will now be considered a Crime Against Intelligent Design for any form of Football to be played on a college campus. Bowl Game attendees will be arrested and transported to re-education camps where they will be indoctrinated to love and adore baseball. Professional football will be obliterated from the face of the earth.
2. All Americans will be required to make a pilgrimage to Cooperstown to the Baseball Hall of Fame at least once in their lives. Anyone caught wearing football memorabilia will be shot with tranquilizer darts and sent to re-education camps.
3. The Atlanta Braves will beat the Boston Red Sox in the World Series.
4. The New York Yankees will win 25 games this season.
5. Barry Bonds will be banned for at least 3 lifetimes by newly elected Commissioner George W. Bush. All his records will be stripped. Hank Aaron will be reinstated to his rightful role as all time Home Run King!
6. Mark Spitz will beat Michael Phelps in a splash-down grudge match. Phelps will be banned from the Olympics for the repeated use of Viagra as a performance enhancing drug.
7. College athletics will all be declared professional athletes and no longer subjected to the legalized slavery of the NCAA.
1. The One (elect) so enthralled with the photos taken of himself at the beach in Hawaii, decides to declare his administration “Hawaii Casual” so he can go around posing for photos. After his 3 hour inauguration speech in 3 degree weather, he comes down with a case of pneumonia, but narrowly survives. While on his “deathbed” The One (elect) called for Jeremiah Wright to fill in as his VP. Joe Biden cannot be found. No one knows where his office is.
2. George Soros gets his way and convinces The One (elect) to legalize all formerly banned substances. Nine Democratic members of Congress overdose within 8 hours of the ban being lifted, thereby causing those substances to be banned once again. During that 8 hour period the IRS managed to collect a dozen trillion dollars in back taxes from enterprising individuals who were marketing the previously banned substances. Once Nancy Pelosi realized how much could be raised in taxes, she immediately over-rode the ban. Once the new tax structure was in place, Democrats spent the entire amount on welfare, bail-outs, socialized medicine, and food-stamps. They were able to help approximately 300,000 people before running out of their newly discovered funds. During this time frame they hired 4 million new government workers and created at least 1399 new federal agencies to employ those new workers.
3. The Fairness Doctrine was enacted on January 23. After tabulating the instances of anti-Republican rhetoric, broadcasts, and news articles by the MSM, it was repealed, against Republican and conservative protest. There were not enough hours in the day for conservative talk radio to be on the airways to make up for the overwhelming liberal onslaught of news and opinion.
4. The baby-name “Obama” has been banned world-wide due to the intense over-use of the name to the point of abuse. There are some towns, communities, villiages world wide where every child born is named “Obama”. It is becoming very confusing. Along that line, most states are putting a limit to the number of schools that can be named after Barack Obama. Also, the US post office is allowing only one town per state to change it’s name to “Obama”.
5. The rumors that Michelle Obama and Oprah are going to mud wrestle for The One (elect) on Mexican television are true.
1. The Democrats have decided to circumvent the whole bail-out debacle by simply cutting a check for one million bucks for every legal American citizen. Those who cannot prove legal citizenship will be given half that amount, which they can pick up as they are exiting the country by at a valid customs and immigration drop-off point.
2. In order to pay for their bail-out, the Democrats have declared a special millionaire’s tax. Anyone cashing a check for over $999,999 in a single payment will find themselves in a 95% tax bracket. Paranoid and delusional Republicans who listened to talk radio and read the blogs and FOX News were aware of the new tax bracket and refused the checks. Those with social security direct deposit canceled their direct deposit before the checks were deposited. Democrats in the House and Senate were so arrogant they failed to comprehend the vast uprising against them.
In order to prevent the wholesale electoral slaughter of Democrats in 2010, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid decided to honor The One (elect and ascendant) by sponsoring special gladiatorial games for all Republicans who were running against Democrats in 2010 and the occasional auto de fe for Republicans who constituted a serious electoral challenge to The One (elect) in 2012. As the average Republican conservative candidate who was not captured went into hiding, only one person had the courage to defy and rescue the cowaring conservatives and save the day. I think we all know the identiy of that individual – Sarah Palin!
Okay, so this is all silly and tongue in cheek. It’s called satire. It is designed to make fun of the worship of The One (elect) and the abject cowardace of conservatives.