Right about now I really don’t like my family. I can, with all candor, report the feeling is mutual. No, I don’t hate them. I’m not even pissed with them. I just don’t like them, and really don’t want to be around them – any of them. And, that’s the problem. We all know that, when my father, who had Alzheimer’s Disease, was gone, my mother would require a tremendous amount of attention, and many many nights at her place, but not…weepy and needy.
I don’t do weepy and needy. I don’t do emotions, opting to be the family’s very own cold-hearted bitch from hell. I don’t like displays of emotion other than anger, tantrums, occasional self-pity, and narcissism. I don’t like outward displays of grief. I never have. I come from a family where we don’t display grief. My mother, though is so weepy and needy it is driving me crazy. She is so needy, yesterday morning, I was putting on make-up, and she started calling for me. “I just wanted to know where you were.”
That just about sums it up, unfortunately. This past July, she did something to her damn back, ruining it. Our family now lives according to her back. We jump when she groans. We cater to her every painful move. She sits and suffers, silently, not eating, acting depressed, and just plain old making everyone’s life miserable. The finances of dealing with her damn back have basically broken us. And – each and every time she is feeling better, she does something to screw it up, again. And – I’m tired of it. I’m sick and tired of it. My life revolves around her damn back. It’s getting very old, very fast.
My sister wants her to spend time in Memphis. So do I. But, she doesn’t want to leave yet. Her damn back hurts too much. Also, she needs time to adjust to being alone. Like I told my sister, she leaves the house now, and she will never want to return. I know her. And – that’s the sticking point. I know her better than my sister does. She’s wallowing. I’m sick and tired of it, but I have no choice in the matter.
On Sunday, I had a melt-down as the snow accumulated. I was to finally get to go home for 3 full nights (the most I would have had, with 1 exception – since July). BUT – it snowed. She did not want me to leave. My cats were hungry. I’d not seen them since last Wednesday. Because of the blasted Thanksgiving holiday, I won’t get home for a night until the first of December. It’s killing my writing. I can’t accomplish anything. I spent 2-3 hrs a night cooking. My mother requires food because she quit eating back in September to the point where she was killing herself. I don’t have any time to myself. I can’t rest. I must basically wait on her hand and foot.
You want to know why I’m pissed with life? I dared reply to an article on Think Progress about the ACA, which I think is a total joke. Evidently I am in the majority, with my impression of it. The comments have been nasty. One in particular set me off. I can’t afford health insurance. I have none. Here in NM it is a joke.
“…So…what are you going to do when you get t-boned by that drunk driver? Or have a heart attack? Or get cancer? Who’s gonna reimburse the hospital the hundreds of thousands of dollars for your care? Are you a multimillionaire? Doesn’t sound like it. I’ve been a health care professional for 27 years and you obviously have no clue how expensive a serious accident or illness can be. I recently took care of a patient that required use of a special oxygenation machine…just one of the disposable parts of this machine is $9500…and that is just one of many disposable parts that are billed to the patient. Just me placing the patient on this machine has an “initiation” charge of over $10,000…and then there is a daily charge for being on the machine, in addition to the ICU room cost, the ventilator, all the meds and other treatments, etc. This patient was only 24 years old. If they survive, their medical bills will be astronomical!
“…anything spent on insurance is a crock and a waste of time.”
You might want to seriously re-think that statement….”
“…I’m just a fool? My mother had cardiac arrest – 10 yrs ago – and a pacemaker. The bills, which were covered by Medicare & her supplement were $1.5 million. I know exactly what the problems are. But, since I dared criticize the ACA, I’m a fool in your eyes, right? I’ve been through melanoma. I would love to have accident coverage. But, forget that. What you don’t comprehend is the deductible is so high, someone in my position, who is in purgatory between heaven and hell with no possibility of Medicaid, and can’t afford the premiums of today’s version of basic health insurance is completely screwed. Even If I had the nearly $400 bucks a month to pay for the premiums, I couldn’t afford the deductible. If you bother looking at the various NM plans, everything, no matter what, when you add premiums and deductibles, the various combinations, ends up costing someone about a thousand bucks a month in one way or another. Because I’m the primary care-giver to someone on Medicare, I get nothing. I’m broke. I have been for the past 3 years, while caring for my parents. You think I don’t know what medical costs are? Every spare cent my family has goes into things that are NOT covered by Medicare or the supplement.
I know EXACTLY the cost of Alzheimer’s Disease and an 84 year old mother with 8% bone density, osteoporosis, and can barely walk. The cost is my life, my career, my finances, my health, my social life, my sanity, and everything else that gets sucked down the black hole of serious medical problems.
You might try asking questions before trying to make someone look like a fool. I can’t afford anything because my entire life is taken up caring for my parents (my father died last month) who have serious illnesses and are elderly. Since I’m the primary care-giver, I have no hope of a pension, saving for my senior years, or even having anyone care for me.
Deal with that.
You think I don’t know the costs of a serious illness….?
Now you know why I’m pissed with my entire family. I’m tired. I miss my cats. I need a break, physically and emotionally, but aren’t going to be getting one soon, that’s for sure. It has dawned on me that families have no right to do this to one another.
I’m not even going to get started on the problems you must deal with when someone dies…