This is the first time I’ve ever had to face Christmas alone. I thought it would be bad, and it was. But, what was even worse was the day after, Boxing Day, when not one single member of my family even bothered giving me a call. Last evening, my cousin, Linda called. That was it. It was like I fell off the face of the earth, with no one bothering or even giving a damn. At least I know I’m not the only person in the world who is going through this, but it does hurt.
At times like these, we have a tendency to think that there is something wrong with us. Sure, I’m not the most sociable person in the world. I don’t like imposing myself on others, because I spent years having to deal with picking up the pieces after my mother allowed family and friends to impose on her to the point where company and visitors controlled our lives. I resented it so much, after awhile, that I will never even go visit a friend or take anyone up on an invitation. It is an extreme reaction, but comes from having to deal with parents who had three guest rooms and could sleep at least a dozen extra people when necessary. It basically turned me into someone who won’t stay with friends, or even accept an invitation to a meal with someone unless we go out – dutch.
What’s worse, I don’t even know what I want, just to be free from worrying about family and money for a few days. I am so worried about my mother, who has almost decided to quit living. It dawned on me one of the problems, for me, is uncertainty. I don’t know what is going to happen or how to plan for it.