The Worst Year of My Life?


DSC03799Thank heavens 2015 is over, finally.  It could be worse. 2016 could be worse.  If things don’t improve for me, financially, this is the year I lose my home, what is left of my savings, and my future.  Difficult decisions are now on the horizon.  In a few weeks I start selling my jewelry.  I know I’ll never be able to recoup what I’m going to lose, but life sucks, then your parents’ broker takes everything they have.  With luck I can make some decent money off the photographs I was saving for my book.  It’s obvious the book is dead, like any hope I have for a future.  I may as well sell the photos.  I can get some decent money for them – I hope.

I feel like I’m being punished for so many things, yet I did nothing wrong.  What has happened to me isn’t near as bad as what is going on with other people, it’s just unrelenting, never-ending, ceaseless.  I die a little big, every day, emotionally, physically, and professionally.  I know it’s over, just like the average person in this country knows their financial future is grim.  We’ve been destroyed, as a nation, financially.  It is only getting worse, yet we’re told it is getting better.

Forget that.

Our lives are being degraded, little by little, day by day by obscene new regulations, the ACA, and run-away inflation they say does not exist.  Utilities become more and more expensive due to regulations.  The war on coal is destroying thousands of jobs.  The younger generations are being raised to expect less and less, knowing that their lives will be absolutely nothing like ours were.

We’re being robbed.  I wish I could either blame it on the Democrats or Republicans.  I can’t.  They’re both to blame. So is runaway greed.  When you add the destruction of the morality of this nation, and we are not much better than pigs, wallowing around in the mud, rutting, snorting, grunting, and consuming everything in front of us.  There is no beauty.  Graciousness has been taken from us.  Manners no longer exist.  It is all about the narcissism de jour.

I don’t have a lot of hope for the future.  I have very little hope for my future.  My run is over, or coming to a close.  I don’t even know how long I can afford to keep this blog going – it’s that bleak.  This month, I pay basic bills.  I can’t afford to pay my cell bill.  We’re going to lose the family property to real estate taxes, starting in a few weeks.  I have no money for such luxuries as food, gas, and heaven forbid buying a new book.

I need to start renewing things like my Carbonite, and Word.  Once those subscriptions are gone, I’m basically dead as a writer. My future’s shot to hell, anyway.  It’s over, I know that.  I can’t deal emotionally, physically, or financially with another year like 2015.  I just never though my life would end this way.  I always had hope for something better.  I’ve learned hope is for the delusional.  Cynicism is a luxury.  Good things only happen to bad people.  If you are decent, do what is right, and play by the rules, in this day and age, you’re screwed.  We live in a country where all the goodness and decency, kindness, and optimism has been stripped for a so-called hope & change.  We sure got change, that’s for sure.

My life is pure shit.  My hair is falling out.  I can’t afford to get it colored or a decent cut.  I’ve not had anything new to wear in nearly 5 years.  My clothes are falling apart – the ones I wear.  I don’t bother with anything nice.  I just don’t have the heart.  I quit wearing my jewelry a couple years ago.  Better not to be too attached to it.  I don’t bother with make-up, no need.  I only leave the house to go to the store, once a week.  The rest of the time, I stay home.  I can’t afford the gas.  I’ve given up on ever even considering the possibility of being loved, having a family or my own, or someone who cares about me.  I try to be a realist.  I know my future is in a gutter, dying forgotten, my writing deleted, because no one gives a damn.

The one thing I’ve learned is that you cannot expect compassion from anyone.  People only want to be around someone who can help them.  They don’t give a shit about helping others.  If they can’t bleed you dry, the kick you until you’re basically dead to them.  I’ve given up even knowing what it would be like for someone to call and ask me to dinner, to a party, or just to talk.  My phone only rings if my mother calls, or when my sister calls.

Our world is now one of low expectations, heart-break, cruelty, nastiness, and viciousness.  It is a country where people don’t mind lying, will do anything to cheat to come out ahead, and have abandoned all ethics and morality. I always had hope for this country.  I no longer do.  We’ve thrown Christ away, turning our back on what was once a Christian nation – and YES, it was.  It’s funny how people I know who are Christians have seen their lives turn to absolute shit.  Maybe we’re being punished for not standing up for things, when we had a chance.

In the next 6 weeks, I’m facing financial ruin.  My power will be turned-off, along with my phone.  I can hold out online for a little while, and maybe keep the blog another month.  I wish I had hope for the future, but it has been stripped from me.

I can no longer cope with my life the way it is.  I know good and well the Lord always provides, but I’ve lost the war of nerves.  I just hope, when all is lost, I can hold on to my writing and my manuscripts.  I have no hope of being published, ever again.  No one gives a damn about my life.  Why would they?  People only care about those who have the money to spend on them.

I’m broke.  In the Kurt Weill opera, the Rise and Fall of the City of Mahagonny, there was only one unpardonable sin.  That sin was running out of money.  Our country is now like that.  The only unpardonable sin is not having money.  There is another sin, it may be even worse that running out of money, and that is having Christian morality and values.

There is one answer, and that is faith.  I’ve come to have tremendous amount of sympathy for Job.  He has become a very good friend.  I know him quite well.  I know his situation quite well.  He moaned, groaned, and complained, but he never denounced God.

As Christians, we are told that we are tested.  I don’t know if this is true.  I don’t know if this is something some person said so that they could sound safe and full of wisdom when someone who was going to hell asked for help.  Right now, I could go either way on this one.  I’ve failed, woefully.

St. Paul, in Romans 8:28 wrote that all things work together for those who know the Lord.  Sometimes I wonder.  All I know is I will keep my faith. I just need to come up with a way of taking care of things.