Don’t Know How Much More I Can Take


Screen Shot 2016-06-22 at 11.05.54 AMI am well aware I’m not dealing well with the fact that I’m losing my home.  I had a melt-down this evening.  As of last night, I thought everything was going well.  I’d started a Go Fund Me campaign.  Then I heard from someone I thought was a friend, telling me no one was going to help me.  So, I reduced the amount required to $1 and am just going to give up, and lose my home.  I was told I’d need to sell my books and things in order to keep my home.  I’m a writer I need my books.  I’d rather keep my home.

I wrote this to a friend.

You don’t know what I’ve been through the past 6 years. My father’s broker stole about $850K from them. By the time we found it, and realized he had given the man’s replacement ALL of his financial records to look for his missing money, the statute of limitations has expired.

For 3 years I was basically point person for our local charities. I helped so many people. I ran things for our parish, then the new priest came in. Because we had no money, we were pushed away. During the past 2 years, I have been to my best friend’s home for Thanksgiving. a friend (who loved my father like his own father) and his girl friend have taken me out 3 times – at night. That’s it. A friend took me to lunch, twice. I’m not worth anyone asking me to go out with them to dinner. I stay home. No one calls me. I am totally and completely alone.

I am living on $13,500 a year. By the time I pay my mother’s insurance, her bills here, and mine, I have a total of $200 a month for such luxuries as food, toilet paper, and gas. I’ve had 2 steaks in the past 2 years. I haven’t had a real hamburger in over a year. I live on $50 a week. My hair is falling out over the stress. I have no insurance. I need a hysterectomy. I am in constant pain to the point where I can’t lift much of anything without being in agony. I do not qualify for medicare. I haven’t gone to a dentist in 5 years. I can’t afford it. I cant’ even afford new reading glasses. My good computer needs to be repaired, so I can’t use it.

The car needs a new motor. That’s $5000K, which would almost save my home. I am very limited as to where I can drive it. In 2014 my family completely forgot my birthday and Christmas. Last year my sister gave me a new television which was $145 on sale. I haven’t had a real birthday or Christmas in several years. No one gives a shit about me, enough to even invite me to a party or out for dinner.

I have given up my career, all of my savings, my life to care for my parents. I’m still here taking care of their things. My sister has done the same thing. She’s doing everything possible to help her, but I’m alone and a non person. I don’t count in the way of the world.

I’m angry and bitter and have seen my life fall apart. Don’t talk to me about prayers, faith, or churches. I was okay until the Home Owner’s Association president lied to me on June 23. His lie is costing me my home. I owe them $7500 in back fees – $2500 of which are late fees and interest. They have a right to sell my home, which is valued at $120,000 for $8000 and kick me out. I have no rights. A person arrested for terror has more rights than I do, and yes, I have an attorney. They have a legal right to destroy my life. It’s all perfectly legal and lovely.

I need to raise about $10K. I was doing okay. Yesterday I thought I had the problem solved then someone told me I needed to sell my things and not ask others to help me, since I had so much. What I have are my books, which I use for my writing and research. I may as well sell those, since my life and my career are over – because I followed the commandment about honoring my parents.

I am very very angry and extremely bitter. Thanks to all the lovely lies, I’m stuck, and losing. I go from having a hysterical breakdown to pondering suicide. I have given up on my prayers being answered. I am sick and tired of being told I must give up everything as a Christian, when I don’t see the lovely Christians telling me this giving up a damn thing. Why must I give up my life?

Sorry. I’ve had it. I had a solution last night, but that’s been taken away from me. I have spent the past 6 years of my life wallowing in family shit, trying to keep everything together. I am exhausted. My life has fallen apart. I can’t even afford to buy make-up, so I don’t wear any. My hair is falling out. I can’t afford the  supplements I need to help preserve what I have. I’m too ashamed to go outside because I look so bad.

Both of my toilets are busted and I can’t afford to get them fixed. I flush them by turning the water on and off. The light fixture in one bathroom is busted. My air conditioning is barely working. I had to borrow $1000 from John Vega just to keep PNM from turning off my power and keeping my mother’s alarm on.

And – don’t lecture me about power. PNM put new meters in and has raised our rates 60%. I kept the temp at 60 this winter and stayed sick all winter. My bills were still $500/month. The past year I’ve paid out $3300 to PNM. That’s why I’m losing my home, because I had to quit paying my HOA dues when PNM began raising their rates. I owe condo fees for the past 27 months. The past 24 months I’ve paid $5600 in power bills. THe condos are charging about $2500 in interest and late fees. You can see exactly where the money went.

I’m angry and bitter. I don’t need a lecture on faith. I need someone to say they’re sorry and that they are on my side.  That’s too much to ask, I gather.

I can’t even afford the boxes or tissue I need to pack to move.

Why am I required to give up my life?  Why can’t someone else give?  I’m broken.  I’m whipped.  Obviously, I’m not good enough to be allowed to fix my life.