My 86-year-old mother died very early Monday morning. By Sunday evening, we knew it would not be long. It wasn’t. I’m in New Mexico. My mother was with my sister, in Memphis. My mother took a turn for the worse on Christmas Eve. We thought she was doing better on Friday, but she had other ideas. We slept very little Saturday night. It goes without saying that we slept very little Sunday night. My sister slept on the floor by her, both nights. My niece, nephew, and his wife were there with Cathy. My ex-brother-in-law was in and out, constantly.
The process is exhausting. Cathy called me about 6:16AM. I may have dozed for an hour. We talked for a little while. She was a wreck. I’m the one who keeps people in the family in contact. I started texting and emailing relatives, attorneys, insurance, anything else that needed to be done. The emails began around 7:30, as did texts, and then the phone calls. I could barely keep my eyes open, and fell asleep around 10:30. There were more phone calls. One of my BFFs took me to lunch. I’d not eaten the previous evening, other than half a salad. I made it home about 3:30.
There were more calls.
I could barely stay awake.
I finally get a nap.
The phone rang.
I fall back asleep.
The phone rang.
And so forth and so on….
I’m alone in New Mexico. For some reason everyone had to check on me. That is sweet, but I need sleep. While I’m writing this, I’m half asleep.
Then came the email about holding up and not being afraid go grieve. Don’t be afraid to show emotion. I have guardian angels, and so forth and so on. It made me stop and examine the rituals involved with being civilized at a time of death and grief.
Thank goodness there is no food!
I don’t want a call about how I’m holding up, already yet. I’m about to drop. Just send me an email and let me get some sleep. I really don’t want to spend an hour on the phone discussing my parents. I don’t need those reassurances of Heaven. I know where my parents are. (My father’s ashes are in the trunk of the car). They are with the Lord. I don’t need a sermon on it. I just want…. SLEEP!
Is that so difficult?
And, no I don’t know what the arrangements are. I did it for my father. My sister is handling this. I don’t know. I don’t want to discuss funerals past. I don’t like funerals. And, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m trying to move. I’m shaking people who owe me, down for the money they owe.
I don’t want to discuss anything.
I just want a nap.